


Never Forget

by mansikka



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dean Doesn't Know, Dean in Hell, Falling In Love, M/M, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-04
Updated: 2016-02-04
Packaged: 2018-05-18 02:37:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5894809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Cas has memories of Dean that he does not?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Forget

Once upon a time, the bunker’s walls had been lined with shelf upon shelf of books on lore, mythology, and historical tomes. It was enough to make a librarian melt into a puddle of excitement and fingers itch to Dewey classify the lot of them.

 

All of those books were still there of course, and somewhat added to by Dean, Sam and Bobby’s own collection over the years. The bunker had become quite the hub of hunter knowledge.

 

Cas too contributed to the shelves in his own way, only his contribution was a little less helpful. His argument was that all of the knowledge in those books he likely already had in his head. His contribution may not be helpful with hunting, he’d argued, but it was an excellent antidote to hunt-induced insomnia and recovery sessions.

 

Cas’ contribution was boxsets.

 

Cas had an eclectic taste in boxsets. Drama, mystery, comedy, paranormal, Cas had a boxset for every occasion. He tended to prefer series that had already finished because he was impatient waiting between seasons and loathed cliffhangers. Cas’ impatience manifested as grumpiness, and nobody was fond of a grumpy Cas.

 

Perhaps Dean was fond of a grumpy Cas. But that was only because he thought it was cute.

 

Not that he’d say that out loud.

 

Cas had enjoyed Buffy immensely. His favourite character was Willow, he related and empathised with Giles far too much for Dean’s liking, and once he’d finished laughing at the irony of a vampire being called Angel, he’d quite liked him too.

 

Which is how they’d found themselves watching the series Angel once they’d finished Buffy.

 

Cas had shown moderate interest, enough to still be watching seven episodes in. Laid out on the sofa with beers, blankets and leftover pie, they’d put on episode eight, agreeing on it being the last one of the evening.

 

Dean had an arm thrown around Cas’ shoulders, whose hand rested idly on Dean’s lap. About halfway through the episode, Cas had stopped his usual wriggling; normally he’d be back and forth, curling up into Dean, fighting with the blanket, or doing his damnedest to get comfortable. But he’d stopped, to the point where Dean had leaned down to kiss Cas’ head, to check to see if he’d fallen asleep.

 

Cas wasn't asleep at all.

 

When the credits started, Dean had pressed pause on the remote, gently squeezing Cas to him. Cas was subdued, and limp in his arms.

 

“Cas?” Dean asked, more kisses touched to his hair. “You okay there, buddy?”

 

Dean felt Cas nod against him but otherwise lay perfectly still.

 

“What’s up? Didn't you like the episode?”

 

With a sudden force, Cas shoved away from him, and a resounding “No!” signalled him jumping up from the sofa, speeding out of the room, leaving Dean to sit back on the sofa in bewilderment.

 

Dean scratched the back of his head in thought. Sure, everyone had their triggers, but what was it about the episode that had upset Cas so much?

 

The episode was called[ I will remember you](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0512863/), when Angel had become human and he and Buffy had lived in a temporary bubble of happiness. At the end of it, Buffy’s memories of it all had gone, but Angel’s remained intact.

 

It was heartbreaking, sure, but it wasn't real life. It wasn't anything any of them had experienced, anyway. There was nothing Dean could think of that would turn Cas into a sullen stomping-away mess. So he stomped after him for an explanation.

 

Dean paused in the doorway, watching as Cas sat hunched over his side of the bed. He was silent, brooding, unaware of Dean’s presence behind him.

 

When Dean called out his name, Cas didn't even react.

 

Dean crossed the room decidedly, sitting beside Cas and taking his hand in his.

 

“Gonna tell me what’s up, Cas?” he tried, glancing at Cas’ face for any sort of reaction.

 

“Nothing.”

 

Dean smiled faintly. “You are the worst liar in the world, you know that?”

 

No response came from Cas at all.

 

Dean cleared his throat and tried again. “Cas, come on-”

 

Dean stopped mid-sentence as Cas brought their entwined hands back into his lap. He reached out with his other hand, stroking his fingers gently over the back of Dean’s hand as though he were memorising every line.

 

Dean sighed, leaning in to nudge Cas by the shoulder. “Cas.”

 

“I didn't like the episode, Dean. That’s all.” His voice was barely a whisper, but all Dean could hear was sadness.

 

“Alright. We can stop watching altogether if you want, Cas. Didn't think vampires would get you so riled up,” he half-joked, hoping to pull Cas out of his mood.

 

Cas remained silent.

 

“Cas,” Dean tried again, keeping their hands together but shifting so that his arm was around him, holding him close. “What’s going on in there?” he asked, lips pressed to the side of Cas’ head.

 

“Please, Dean.” Dean flinched at the grief in Cas’ voice, his heart beating out a panicked rhythm. “Can we just go to bed?”

 

“Uh…sure, Cas.”

 

So they’d readied for bed, and when Dean slid under the duvet Cas had flung himself around Dean in something that felt like a death grip, as though he feared Dean would disappear in the night. His head lay on Dean’s chest, and Dean wrapped his arms around him tightly, trying to give the reassurance that Cas seemed to need but couldn't explain or even ask for.

 

When Cas had gone full-time human, he’d adjusted quicker than anyone could have expected. He’d developed bad habits as well as good ones, stated his preferences loudly and clearly so that there was no misunderstanding him, and learned to stand his ground in arguments instead of doing his go-to disappearing act.

 

He’d also becoming both terrible and very good at bottling things up.

 

Dean lay awake long after Cas had fallen into a fitful sleep. He stared at the ceiling listening to Cas’ steady breath, hoping it would lull him to sleep as it often did. Instead, nothing. All he could do was replay the evening to try to figure out what was wrong.

 

The image that stuck in his mind was Angel. At the end of the episode when Buffy had left, the pain on Angel’s face from keeping their secret was palpable. To have one moment of such happiness and contentment but have the other person you shared it with clueless, well. Dean couldn't even begin to imagine.

 

Dean kept returning to the image, but despite the sinking feeling he got from it he couldn't quite work out what was wrong.

 

Because the subconscious is cruel, it was after Dean had fallen asleep that he had his moment of clarity. He woke with a jolt so hard that he half-woke Cas, who mumbled in protest and curled himself tighter into Dean’s chest.

 

Dean lay, heart pounding, hands running over Cas’ arms even as he slept.

 

“Cas.”

 

No response.

 

“Cas,” he tried, a little louder and with a soft nudge. “Can you wake up for me? Please?”

 

A little more coaxing and a lot more nudging followed, before Cas raised his sleepy head to look at Dean in confusion.

 

“What?”

 

“Cas, can I ask you something?”

 

“Okay.”

 

“I’m gonna need you to be awake for this,” Dean said, watching as Cas sighed and ran a sleepy hand over his face.

 

“Okay, Dean. I'm awake.” he said, chin dropping to rest on Dean’s chest and peering up at him with half-lidded eyes.

 

And now, Dean felt silly. How was he going to get this out? “You know…” He began, hands rubbing what he hoped were soothing circles into Cas’ back, “You know how you didn't like that last episode of Angel before we came to bed?”

 

Cas immediately stiffened, dropping his gaze entirely.

 

“Am I missing something, Cas? Is there something you’re not telling me?”

 

Cas sighed heavily then rolled away from Dean, laying on his back and watching his own patch of ceiling.

 

An emotionless “It’s nothing, Dean. I was overreacting.” was all Cas seemed to be able to manage.

 

“Yeah, maybe. Something pissed you off though.”

 

“I’m not, ‘pissed off’, Dean. I merely related to a character and overreacted.”

 

Dean frowned, suspicion screaming through him. “To who, Angel?”

 

He felt rather than saw Cas nod to his side, and Dean’s heart beat out in thick thuds.

 

“What’s going on? What aren't you telling me?”

 

Cas fumbled a hand out to loop around Dean’s, and cleared his throat. “When I found you in hell, Dean. When I pulled you from it. It wasn't easy, or quick. It took a long, long time.”

 

Dean huffed, feeling uncomfortable. “I can never say or do anything that will show you how grateful I am for that, Cas. We've been over this.”

 

“I know,” Cas agreed, squeezing his fingers. “I wasn't looking for your thanks. I was merely stating a fact.”

 

Dean frowned. “That it took time?”

 

Cas was silent for another minute and then said, “That we _had_ time, Dean.”

 

When Dean didn't respond, Cas glanced over and caught Dean’s gaze. “Had?” was all Dean could ask.

 

Cas started again. “Had. We had time, Dean. Time that you don’t remember, but I do. Every second of. Every moment.”

 

Dean shifted in discomfort, not really understanding Cas’ words. “I remember enough.” And his nightmarish memories flicked red and black and seething through his mind, causing him to shudder. Cas squeezed his hand again in reassurance.

 

“I do not want you to remember all that keeps you awake at night. I don’t want that at all.”

 

“Then what are you saying?”

 

Cas’ words came out thick and laced with hurt. “I'm saying that you don’t remember all of your time in hell. And I don’t want you to.”

 

“...but you _do_ remember.” Dean finished, hesitancy in his voice.

 

“Yes,” was Cas’ reply, and if anything was going to torture Dean now, it was that tone, the one that said Cas was broken.

 

“What am I missing, Cas?” Dean’s heart picked up its pace as though it were already spelling out what Cas was about to say.

 

Cas opened and closed his mouth several times, as though he were forming words but just couldn't get them to come out. And then, “I fell in love with you, Dean. When I pulled you from hell and put you back together, I couldn't help but fall in love with you.”

 

Dean curled onto his side to look at Cas, the incredulity on his face clearly not what Cas wanted to see. Cas ducked his head, lacing both of his hands around the one of Dean’s that he already had hold of.

 

“You don’t remember. And I wouldn't want you to remember, because if you remembered our time together there, maybe you’d remember all of it. I would not want for you to remember that.” He said with certainty, voice shaking.

 

“But you remember.” Dean repeated, dawning making his blood run cold. “You remember all of it.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“What...what do you remember?”

 

Cas’ voice grew anxious. “I can’t, Dean! I can’t tell you. If I tell you, who knows what else you’d remember. I have to keep that to myself.” The brokenness of Cas’ words made Dean want to scoop him up, kiss away all of the bad that Cas had ever experienced. He hated feeling so inadequate to protect him, and if he was honest, he hated that Cas could remember things about him that he himself didn't.

 

“You can’t tell me anything?”

 

“I can’t, Dean.” Cas pleaded, seeking understanding in Dean’s eyes. “For you, I can’t, I just can’t risk it.”

 

Dean closed his eyes, forcing down his anger because he knew none of this was Cas’ fault. Cas never meant for him to know this, but it was a sign of just how much Cas loved him that this forced memory refresher had him trying and failing to retreat into himself. He leaned over, placing a long kiss on Cas’ forehead and leaning his own there in its place, offering reassurance.

 

“Nothing at all?”

 

“Please, Dean. I don’t want you to dwell on things you can’t change.”

 

“Alright,” Dean agreed, kissing his forehead again in submission. “Just tell me one thing. One thing. And I swear I’ll leave it alone.”

 

“What?” Cas mumbled, eyes firmly on the ceiling.

 

“Did. Did I?” And Dean fought with the question that deep down he knew he already had an answer to. “Did I love you back?” he finally managed to choke out.

 

One slight nod confirmed it, and Dean’s heart broke a little. He gathered Cas to him, gently rolling him on his side so that they were facing one another.

 

Feeling guilt for something you’d done to hurt someone was one thing. But having that guilt, and not being able to know what exactly you were guilty for...that was a new on one Dean.

 

He tried to think of it from Cas’ point of view. How would he feel if the situation was reversed?

 

To love Cas, and to have him love him back, only for him to forget. To have to watch the person you loved not know you, fear you, show hatred for you. To watch them hurt, and get hurt over and over. To have them drawn towards you yet pull away from you time and time again. To finally be with you, but to have to hold onto some secrets for their own well-being.

 

Dean gathered Cas into his arms, wishing he could love away all that pain he knew Cas must be feeling.

 

Dean rolled them again, cradling Cas beneath him and murmuring love and kisses into every inch of him. “I love you, Cas. You hear me?” Dean sought out Cas’ eyes, held their gaze, made sure they reflected back the intensity from his own.

 

Dean sought the words. The words that only ever showed themselves for Cas. He had to make him understand. “I love you. I love you now, I loved you then - even if I don’t remember it. And I’ll love you always. I need you to know that, Cas. And when I die, even then I’ll love you. Your heaven will be my heaven. Always, Cas. You don’t get to get rid of me, Cas. Ever.”

 

Dean kissed him gently then, seeing a clench in Cas’ jaw that told him he was fighting back tears.

 

“I'm so sorry I can’t remember everything about us, Cas. You've no idea how much. But this?” he flicked his head, gesturing at the intimacy between them and the way he cradled Cas as though he were the most precious thing in the world. “This, I’ll never forget, Cas. I’ll never forget you. I promise.”

 


End file.
